MY SWEET PRINCESS
I’m sure some of you see Kinzley's dad post about it from time to time and I know I’m not very vocal as I don’t think I’ve ever directly posted about it at all. I’m not a huge advocate of posting things like this, if you know me I’m fairly private with respect to certain things. I’ve written something like this hundreds of times but have never wound up keeping it. Not that I feel I have ever owed anyone an explanation or insight but I do feel that it’s part of you and I am just so very proud. You wear it so proudly the least I could do is share this for you. For four years I have tried to find the right words and as you can tell by how long it has taken me to actually put the words together I don’t know that I ever will have the right ones. I remember like it was yesterday, the day I realized life would be a little different for you. Your dad can vouch, it was the hardest and most emotional day I ever could have experienced. Parenthood is a one of a kind experience, it is the best part of my life. Being such a young parent when you came into this world I don’t think anyone or anything could have prepared me for this journey, it is a learning experience in itself, but there are certain obstacles and situations that are part of parenthood and it goes without saying you just never see coming. Everything I do is for you, your brothers, and your dad. There are so many things within this life that we can control but it’s those things we cannot control and those things we cannot do anything about that really catch us off guard. Something I really try to emphasize to not only you but anyone I talk to is that I am so very grateful for how healthy you are, that it could be so much worse, and that we’re so fortunate that we have a little girl we get to wake up to every morning and tuck in every night. That being said in moments of weakness that rational does not make it any easier and it does not justify what you have to go through everyday. I wish so badly that I could protect you from this cruel world and that I could shelter you from anything that comes your way but that is not realistic. At best your father and I can continue to prepare you and teach you and help you to grow to always be strong enough to withstand whatever does come your way. There are kind, loving, sensitive, empathetic people in this world, but we also live in a world where people can be cruel and mean and people will intentionally do things to harm you, belittle you, make you feel left out and different than they are. I will always do my best to counter that but it is sometimes easier said than done. The older you get the harder it gets as I know how badly it hurts your feelings that you are different then other little girls and I know how badly it hurts your feelings and how uncomfortable you feel when other kids talk about you and I know how sad and mad you feel when kids at school make fun of you or are mean to you and I know how left out you feel of so many normal girly things that you are just dying to do. I know that most of the time it isn’t even on your radar but that small percentage of the time that it is on your radar and you sit and cry and tell me how it’s not fair or tell me that you don’t feel beautiful truly breaks me. I hurt so badly for you when you are hurting and I wish and I pray everyday that I could trade places with you. I would do anything in this world to make you happy and take away any hurt, pain, or confusion you may have. You are the most confident, most brave, most unique and the most beautiful little girl in this world and I hope that is something you never lose. You rarely bat an eye when it comes to this crazy auto immune disease you have and I wish I were as strong as you are. To this day I don’t do well when people talk to me about it, I have to walk away and let your father do the talking. It is so very uncomfortable to have so many people so often question whether or not she is sick or question what it wrong with her. I hear people whisper, I watch people point, I have seen kids make fun of you and treat you differently and as a mother it is the absolute most heart wrenching thing as I know there is nothing I can do to make the disease go away. It has taken not only your hair numerous times, but your long eyelashes and eyebrows. When you ask me if it’s going to keep happening and you ask me if your hair is going to come back I know deep down I cannot honestly answer that for you, I feel so helpless and useless. If I rewind four years ago I didn’t know how this would play out as I still don’t but I do know this; You are the worlds most confident little girl I have ever met. I wish I had the confidence you have. You don’t care who is staring at you, who is looking at you, you literally crave being the center of attention. You are so compassionate and kind and you always remind me to treat others with respect. You befriend anyone in need and are always putting others before yourself. My perfect perfect little girl I am so proud of you and I am so proud to be your Mom. I hope that you one day know just how much I envy you and just what a special beautiful soul you have. You are the most beautiful girl in this world and sometimes I don’t think you truly know that. I have this extremely ‘fuck the world mentality,’ as if there is not a care in the world, but with this that is not really the case. I’ve always tried to be as strong as I could for you so that you are not setback because of your disease but so that you thrive and come out on top of this thing. It’s a very emotional roller coaster and I can’t imagine what it’s like to actually but in your shoes but I promise you I will always try. I will always try to make the best of everything for you. I will always try to make things as normal as possible. I will always try to counter any negativity that comes your way. I will always protect you and make sure you know how beautiful and special you are. I will always be there for you every step of the way. Some days are harder than others but I love you more than I’ll ever be able to put into words. I don’t just say it because you’re mine but you are the most beautiful person on the planet and I hope you always continue to believe that.